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Cast:
M. Ampere III (MA)- the technical one with all of the
technical, up to date dating advice
Caroline Dinkleberg Maxwell (CDM)- the observant one who
unfortunately narrates the series in a nauseating high nasal voice and has a
reoccurring complex “relationship” with Arnold “Scooter” Steward (ASS)
Catalyst Lindlar (CL)- the romantic one with many unrequited
crushes
Sammy Green (SG)- the stalker and the general raving fanatic
**
(Insert a catchy happy theme song)
CDM walks through the city past a row of nice looking
apartments dressed in a modest looking business suit. She puts on her new (hip!) thick black-rimmed librarian glasses
and decides to strut down the street.
However, as she awkwardly struts, she trips on the sidewalk and nearly
falls over. Brushing herself off, she
continues walking forward, but upon gaining momentum, a tremendous amount of
water pours on her; the sprinkler system on the lawn that she is next to has
suddenly turned on. Sighing, she tries to dry her soaked new glasses off, but
finding every piece of clothing on her wet, she shrugs and puts on her old
glasses, which are huge and desperately out of date, and walks on, though
without the strut, because despite owning those hip new glasses, she is still a
nerd at heart.
**
CDM: It was the big day…the day of the ULTIMATE (yes it was
officially in all caps) Fans Convention hosted by the National Association for
the Continuation of Star Trek, and us four girls couldn’t wait to go.
CL (as she
puts on a classy dark witch robe and tosses her bushy brown hair (she hadn’t
combed her hair in weeks so that she could get that perfect Hermione look)):
Honestly Sammy, wholesome, kind guys from the convention, you know the sort
who’ll lend you a calculator for one of those emergency bouts of math, won’t go
for you if you’re dressed like…like that.
SG (squirms a bit as she tries to hitch her sailor skirt up
a bit higher and adjusts her blatantly fake blonde wig complete with meatballs
to fit her head completely): Ah, darling Catsy, I was hoping this outfit would
‘catalyze’ something (oh wasn’t that so very witty!) and plus, I thought you
would know by now that I don’t go for your sorts of guys…I go for the ones who
write lemons, limes, and cherries.
CL (clearly
appalled): Cherries! What are cherries! I never came across those at fiction alley, and there were some
crazy stories there!
SG: Ah…I trust that you’ve never heard of Knockturn Alley
then.
MA (talks in a clear voice as best as she can through a R2D2
costume): According to my carefully tabulated statistics obtained from
gathering information from various popularly circulated teen dating magazines,
Sammy is correct in her notion that convention guys should go for her more
readily. In fact, Sammy has a 10 in 250
chance that she’ll hit it off well with a convention guy. Catalyst, you have a 4 in 250 chance, while
I despondently have a 0 in 250 chance.
But alas, I shall not despair for Caroline has a mathematically
impossible –5 in 250 chance of hitting it off with a guy, because she is still
moping over You-Know-Who.
SG (raises eye brow as she puts on a plastic tiara):
Who?
MA (in a solemn voice): He-who-must-not-be-named.
SG nods knowingly, while CL as confused as ever still looks
clueless.
CDM (as she stomps into the room in her Lois Lane costume):
Hey! I heard that!
CL: Oh, dear Caroline, I didn’t realize you were so upset
when Harry-
CDM: If only things were as simple as Catalyst thought
that I was bothered over…well you know what happens to the Dark Lord, because I
always thought that he was misunderstood, but I was really bothered because
this will be the first ULTIMATE convention in which me and Scooter weren’t
partnered up. Not that I miss it or
that we actually had anything going on, but he, as the other girls warned me,
was not one of those stable convention buddies, yet for the last few
conventions, we always matched ourselves up: Arwen and Aragon, Fleur (what a
great wig I had for that one) and Bill, Elizabeth and Will, and Leia and
Han. I almost expected that we would go
on as convention buddies, but deep down, all along, I realized that neither of
us were the staying type.
Things started getting messy last month when Scooter
decided to be the most courteous of werewolves, Mr. Remus Lupin. I, being an avid Remus/Sirius shipper,
offered to find a long sexy black wig and find a pair of shabby robes when
Scooter appeared terribly confused and muttered something akin to “I know that
she was morose for quite a bit in book six, but she’d never be caught in
something so…so tacky.”
After a few moments of deep contemplation though, he
burst out in a fiery rage as he yelled angrily. “Oh my God! You’re one of
those people! Ugh! I can’t believe you think that Remus and
Sirius-”
Though he was a reliable and great convention partner, I
realized that an important line had been crossed: I, as a wise, feminist,
independent Harry Potter fanatic could not then apologize and merely ignore
Scooter’s aggressions; I fought for my belief that Remus and Sirius and not
that gadfly Tonks were the true lovers.
It was the messiest disbandment I’d ever had, and after
I’d stormed out of his flat that he lived in with his parents filled with his
Bleach posters, he’d tried calling me a few times. I, of course, never returned his calls, but it bothered me now
that M. (through various online forums) had discovered that Scooter had a new
convention partner, another girl…and they were apparently going as the golden
standard of fandom partners: Mulder and Scully.
I can’t believe I’m letting myself get all worked out about
this. I mean he wasn’t that great of a
partner although he was funny and reliable and possibly the most attractive
convention buddy I could get my hands on minus those braces, those pimples, and
that totally 2005 collection of pocket protectors… I can’t believe I’m even thinking about this. It’s so last month and I-
SG (pulls CDM by the shoulder stopping her from stepping
into the street): I totally agree! I
can’t believe you’re still thinking about that Scooter. Who needs a freaking convention partner
anyhow?
CL: Well I personally think that it’s romantic that you’re
still pinning for him as a partner.
Talk to him today! You two
should be partners again! You guys were
so cute as Mary Jane and Spiderman.
CDM: Wait; I didn’t just voice those embarrassing narrative
thoughts out loud, did I?
MA: Not all of them…but we heard what we needed to
hear. Be more careful next time.
CDM: I don’t get it though.
My initials, which should indicate a speaking part, came just after you
guys interrupted my narrative thoughts.
MA: Ah, you really have to watch out for those italics. Por ejemplo, listen to this. I really don’t like you girls at all; I
think you’re all really self-centered and stupid and won’t ever get a guy,
whereas, I, on the other hand, have an extensive list of sources to find solid
dating advice. I love you girls so
much. You’re like my…family. Actually scratch that, you’re like my
calculus study group.
CDM, CL, and SG (all tear up): Awww, M. you’re so
sweet! Your study group? Really?
MA: Yes! (She smiles
so forcibly and opens her mouth so wide that her cracked lips start
bleeding) Can’t you tell that I’m
lying through my teeth? And honestly, I
have like no personality or leastwise, I have the lamest of all personalities:
the nerdy robot. You know what I’m sick
of being the robotic one. From now on,
I’ll be the psycho-bitch. I’ll act mean
and cruel and stuff, and my “friends” will hate me and then they will
(finally!) abandon me!
CDM: I think I’ve got the hang of this now. I
wondered if M. was lying through her teeth then (Oh Caroline, get a grip; it’s
lovable M. for goodness sake’s!), but I didn’t have time to contemplate this
fact because suddenly-
CL (stands in the middle of the street gaping in shock as a
great torrent of traffic comes her way)
SG (pulls her out of the street and angrily yells at her):
What were you doing just standing in the street there! You’re a freaking physics major! You should know what happens when a line of
speeding cars traveling at the rate of 80 miles per hour do to a person in
their way.
CL: Well, let me see, I would hope that momentum is
conserved, but just in case, I should do a calculation for when it-hey can you
give me their speeds in the metric system.
I work better with that.
SG (sighs): You’re impossible.
MA: I concur; come on let’s get to the convention before all
of the perpetual motion devices are sold.
I looked up the new line this year, and they’re very adorable and
also-
CL: Hey! We can talk
about that at the convention, but do you want to know why I stopped in the
middle of the street?
CDM: Brain freeze?
MA: Who really
cares?
CL: Aww, M. you’re so sweet! Just as long as I’m okay and not hurt right?
MA (mumbles): Uh no…Sammy, I think you should have let the
cars get her.
CL: Aww, M. you’re so funny! I love hanging out with you!
SG: Because you wanted to stop traffic?
CL: You know, I’ve always wanted to do that, but
no. I just saw the hottest guy
ever! I mean he would be even better
looking if he didn’t have that terrible pimple problem, or those extremely
thick glasses, and his Chewbacca outfit was a bit too revealing but other than
that he was perfect. Oh yea, that
hair-do he had wasn’t so great either.
Napoleon Dynamite was so last year.
CDM: So after what seemed like an eternity, we finally
arrived at the big convention and boy, were we all in for a big surprise. M. being the wallflower (although she is so
very sweet, nice, and considerate! especially today!) that she decided to hang
out in no man’s land- the hard-core Sci-Fi corner.
Sammy and Catalyst, on the other hand, decided to get
their yearly shopping done, while I decided to just wander around and enjoy the
sights of a lovely anime convention.
I glanced towards the long line of people (the hopeful brutes) who were
competing in the convention’s costume pageant and laughed as I saw a guy
practicing an elegant speech in Elfish about the need for peace and democracy
in Middle Earth for the talent portion of the pageant (yes, I’m a fluent
speaker of Elfish)-what a big Tolkeinite!
He must have been one of those fans who protested the omitting of the
scouring of the Shire by hiding in the back of movie theaters throwing popcorn
on the poor unsuspecting audiences.
Now, if he were to sing in Elfish…
As I continued walking and looking at various participants in the pageant,
I noticed a curious sight indeed…a Scully with no Mulder. Could it be that-
I hadn’t much time to contemplate when Batman tapped me on the
shoulder.
Batman: Psst…you’ve got to help me.
CDM: Sorry Mr. Wayne, but I’m more of a
Superman fan. You see, I’m Lois Lane,
after all. It’s nothing personal; it’s
just that he’s got the better muscles, and plus according to the latest movie,
I fathered his child. And honestly,
can’t you see my badge here: it says that I do not participate in spontaneous
role-playing games.
Batman:
Caroline, it’s me. Honestly, you think
you’re hot enough that someone would randomly role-play with you? But hey, you’ve got to help me! I’m desperate!
CDM: S-Scooter? What are you doing in a Batman costume? You left your poor Scully over there all alone.
ASS: Dear Caroline, you still do care for
me! You went through the trouble of
finding out online what I’ll be dressed up as.
CDM: Um…no! Of course not! I have a life now! In
fact I have so much of a life now that I’m not your convention partner that I…I’m
writing an epic piece of fan fiction that’s also really popular. It um…features a love heptagon.
ASS: No you aren’t; I checked your usual user name, and
you’ve been inactive for two months-
CDM: Hah! You
stalker! You check on me too!
ASS: Well, you just admitted that you checked on me. So who’s the ass now?
CDM: (Humph!) I refuse to be subjected to this! I’m leaving…and I’m not the one who has the
initials A.S.S.
ASS: I do not have the initials-oh wait, crap…my first
name-but wait, don’t leave Caroline! I
need your help! Hide me from
Scully.
CDM: Uh…why?
ASS: For the talent portion of the pageant, we’re doing
jokes, and she’s making me have all of the bad lines.
CDM: Uh…no. I meant,
why should I help you hide? What’s in
it for me?
ASS: My mint-condition rare Pokemon cards…I’ll give you half
of them.
CDM: I was never into Pokemon.
ASS: Then my Digimon cards-the same deal.
CDM: Throw in some good Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and we have a
deal.
Meanwhile, as I was “reconnecting” with Scooter, Sammy
was trying to reconnect the strap on the sultry red leather space suit that she
had accidentally spilt open upon trying on while Catalyst busily reconnected
with the past crushes of her life.
CL: He was so
cute! And when I dropped my pencil in
programming class, it accidentally fell beneath his chair. You know what he did next?
SG: (as she tried to piece together the suit unsuccessfully)
Uh…(pausing, she looks dreamy as she says this) he made mad hot love with you
right on there in the classroom on the tiled floor, and you guys knocked over a
few computers much to the consternation of your teacher and class. He jabbed his arm into a computer screen as
you two thrust around…um…and somehow, after you two finally regained your senses
after such a wondrous display of passion, you found that you’ve smashed your
own pencil to mere wood splinters. The
teacher suspended both of you, and as you two walk out, hand in hand, he said,
“Baby, I’ll buy you a brand new pencil-a mechanical one.” Um…I could use some help here Catalyst.
CL: (begins to try to help SG) My God Sammy…that didn’t
happen to you did it? You made the
descriptions so…so vivid!
SG: Ah…no, stuff like that happens in the sort of fan
fiction that I read at Knockturn Alley.
Oh screw this suit…(upon seeing a naïve new convention attendee look at
the costume stand that they’re at, she smiles brightly as she pushes the
costume onto the poor attendee’s hands).
Darling, you’ll look great in this.
(Without another word, as the stand cashier walks by looking suspicious,
SG grabs CL, and the two walk off hastily.)
CL: Whew…that was close!
So the guy bends over and picks up my pencil…(smiles as she revels in
the memory)
SG: And…what
happened? Tell me, please, Catsy that
you two at least had a conversation.
CL: Well, sort of…it was brief, but (nearly swoons) it was
nonetheless, wonderful! He gave me my
pencil, and then I said…“Thanks.” He
shrugged at me and said “No problem.”
SG: Oh…and?
CL: Then we went back to listening to the teacher…but I
stared at him the rest of class and twirled my pencil like this (demonstrates)
as I looked upon his face.
SG: (sighs) Catsy, your pathetic…
CL: Well, Miss
Sammy, do tell me about one of your real life wild and zesty sexual
encounters.
At this, SG was silent and decided distraction was the
best method of response.
SG: Oh wow! Look at
those lovely Pikachu er…pajamas. Oh
my! They’ve got a tail and two little
ears attached to the hood! I have got
to try it on!
CL: But hey you didn’t-
Meanwhile, M. was actually having a bit of luck with the
guys.
MA: (is a bit baffled as she sees a guy in a C3PO costume
wobble towards her; she decides that it is an opportune time to take off her
robotic helmet)
C3PO: Greetings!
Finally, someone from my era! (Tuts) So many of these so called star
wars fans are dressed as characters from Episodes I-III. Fans indeed…Ugh…you know how many Anakins I
saw getting here?
MA: (though flattered by ‘C3PO’s’ notice, she decides to try
out her new personality) Um…do I even really care?
C3PO: You know that’s a great point! Why should we care about how many people
have been ensnared by the inferior, new Star Wars movies? Hey you know, nice R2D2 costume.
MA: Yea, mine’s so much better than yours.
C3PO: Hey…I totally agree!
What sort of material did you use to make yours? I was thinking of being R2D2 for the next
convention I go to.
MA: That’s none of your business.
C3PO: (completely nonplussed) Oh, that’s perfectly understandable. Actually, if I had a costume as great as
yours, I wouldn’t want to share my secret either. Hey…I know this is a bit forward of me, but I’m an o-chem TA at
that university across the street there; my real passion, though, is math, and
if you would like to discuss math at any time…I wouldn’t mind.
MA: (feeling more confident that her new attitude as a
disagreeable psycho-bitch…(come to think of it, she could qualify for a bitch
squared at this rate) was working, she decided to be as rude as possible) I
believe the correct way of saying that would be orgo.
C3PO: I…
MA (thinking that she was on a roll because she left a guy
speechless): And math…math is for geeks.
C3PO: I…I’ve never been so…so insulted in my life! I thought us wall flowers stuck in the hard
core Sci-Fi section were all okay, but apparently not.
MA: Wait! I’m sorry!
I didn’t mean to insult you. In
fact I really LOVE math and…
The sweet M., realizing that her experiment on C3PO had
failed bitterly, decided to stop there because he was already too far off to
hear her. She realized that maybe being
rude (of course she was doing it to be funny; she’s so darn likable today!) and
disagreeable was perhaps not the best way to get a guy and that she still had a
good deal to learn.
Meanwhile, I was doing adequately well hiding Scooter
amidst a large group of expert Digimon players.
ASS: Oh no! Don’t
tell me you’ve got a Megaton Trap hidden there.
CDM: Nope, I don’t.
But I’ve got the demon Trench-a-mon here. Your defense goes down to 1000 points.
ASS: Arg no! Man, Caroline, I’ve forgotten how good you
were at battling with Digimon. Wait
until we start on Yu-Gi-Oh cards…you’ll be dead!
I know that he was probably just letting me win…after all,
I was hiding him from Scully, but it was worth it, seeing him get so terribly
beat and creamed like when he used a Jigomon to defeat my
Jellobaramotormon. We weren’t yet okay
enough though to be convention buddies.
I realized then that it was okay to be without a convention
buddy or have a guy in my life.
Someday, I’ll find the perfect match for me just like Ron and Hermione,
Scarlet and Rhett, Usagi and Mamoru, Humbert Humbert and Dolores, Ginny and
Harry, Daisy and Gatsby- actually, this is all just making me quite depressed;
I need to stop now.
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